Janelle Piper

I should have written this months ago. I planned on it. But every time I thought about it, I got a sick feeling in my stomach and my heart broke all over again and I just couldn't face it. I still don't know if I can. This post will take me a while to write because I will have to stop to wipe away my tears and take a deep breath. I may have to stop and finish it later. This post isn't harder for any other reason than I am still counting the weeks and days of Janelle. Her due date was July 10th so she would be 2 months and 7 days old today. She would be 10 weeks tomorrow. This summer was so amazing but I can't help but wonder how different it would have been with a big pregnant belly and a newborn baby girl. I thought I would be able to do this sooner, but I just couldn't. I am going to try now...

It took us a while longer to get pregnant after we lost Jonathan Paul in Feb 2016. In early October I had a Chemical Pregnancy. I HATE that term. It makes it sound like the baby wasn't real. But he/she was. My egg was fertilized, and attached long enough for me to get several positive pregnancy tests. In case you don't know, it is VERY difficult to get a false positive and way more unlikely to get them on multiple types of tests. I took blue dye, pink dye and digital tests for 3 days but the lines were getting lighter, not darker. Then on Sunday afternoon my digital test was negative. My HCG level rose when the baby attached, but my levels dropped when the baby didn't "stick". I started my period the next day. Physically, it is no different than another period, but emotionally, it is heartbreaking. Most people don't know they have a Chemical Pregnancy unless they are trying to conceive and testing regularly and before their missed period. It is a sign that my Progesterone was low and something that is good to let my Dr know for future tests.

The very next cycle, I got pregnant again. This time we waited a little longer before telling ANYONE in case it happened again. But I have said it before, I would rather tell people and ask for many prayers than wait and pray alone (with my husband of course, he always knows first and is right there praying with me!) We also didn't want the girls to know. We had told them the month before and you can't explain a Chemical Pregnancy to a 2 and 4 year old, so we told them that the test was wrong. I hated doing that because it felt like lying about that little life that was briefly there, but it was best for the girls.

By 5 weeks we started telling the people closest to us and asking for prayers. At 8 weeks we had a sonogram and told Facebook. We saw a little blob with a strong heartbeat.. the best sound in the world! I was sick with this one. I would get nauseated and throw up but not feel better. I had good days and then really bad days. Smells were a huge trigger for sickness, whether good or bad and everything tasted different. We spent Christmas at my in-laws house and I tried once to go help in the kitchen but the boiled eggs for the deviled eggs they were making sent me running to the bathroom to throw up. I love my mother-in-laws food but that day I ate turkey, gravy, and peas. I have been pregnant with 4 girls and 1 boy and the girls make me the most sick. I WOULD TAKE 9 MONTHS OF THAT SICKNESS FOR ANOTHER HEALTHY BABY!! I understand when people complain about being pregnant, it is hard. It is exhausting, nauseating and it seems to last forever. But it is SO worth it... when you get to hold your baby. When you don't and you deliver your angel, you feel like you suffered, just to suffer infinitely more. In mid-December at my 10 week check up, my Dr pulled in the portable sonogram machine so that I could see my baby again. She knew I would need that reassurance and she was so right. I remember watching my baby dance and wiggle around, stretch out with her hands above her head and then settle down. She put on a little show for us, and she had changed so much in just 2 weeks! I did lab work including the gender testing that day and I was so sure my baby was going to be perfect. I had drawn a line that God wouldn't cross. He had held me as I suffered through 2 losses and I had leaned on him so now it was my time to get my Rainbow Baby. 3 losses wasn't an option.
The thing about God is that you can't draw lines in the sand for Him. He has a plan and we don't get to choose the boundaries, he does. That is what total trust is. My next appointment was scheduled for 16 weeks because after New Years my Dr's office was so booked and she knew I didn't want to be seen at 14 weeks. In my mind, the 14 week appointment was cursed. Maybe that is silly but I needed to wait. Except that when 13 weeks came around, I felt different. On Thursday January 5th my nurse called to tell me that my lab work came back all normal. When I asked her about the baby's gender she said it wasn't on her paperwork and she would need to call the lab to check. I was sitting in the waiting room of my daughters dance class, and I told her I was scared. I was having trouble sleeping and the closer I got to 14 weeks the more nervous I got. I think, deep down, I knew something was wrong. She said she didn't see patients on Friday but if I came in the next morning she would check heart tones to ease my mind. She knew what I had been through and my nurse and my Dr have always listened to what I needed. I can't say enough wonderful things about them! About an hour later, we were at Whitewood Lanes getting ready for my daughters bowling party when my nurse called. We were having a girl. I was happy and ready to hear my girls heartbeat!
The next morning, Kort came with me to the appointment. She couldn't find the heartbeat and I knew. She had the portable ultrasound brought in and confirmed it. My girl was gone. No heartbeat. I LOST IT. I couldn't breathe as Kort held me. I nearly passed out before I caught my breath in between sobs. I barely remember walking upstairs to where one of my best friends works and telling her while sobbing. I barely remember driving to my moms office to tell her and cry on her couch in her office. Kort and I had taken different cars to the appointment so he took the girls home. I tried to sleep but couldn't. Kort tried to get me to eat, but I couldn't. I know I called some people to tell them but I don't remember who I called or what I said.

A darkness came over me that didn't with the other two. I was more than mad at God. I was lost. My brain knew that I needed to cling to Him in my pain, but my heart wouldn't let me. I was more fake during this time than before. I got through the days and weeks with a cloud over me that I couldn't push aside. Kortney told me he was more scared this time because I wasn't myself. I grieved for my Jesse Page and my Jonathan Paul but this time I lost too much of my self in my grief. It took me much longer to process and it took a certain book to pull me out of it. A friend who has had miscarriages herself gave me the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. If you have lost a baby, I HIGHLY recommend it! It was like she was saying what I couldn't put into words.

Just 10 days after we found out Janelle was gone, Kortneys grandmother passed away unexpectedly. We spent a week in his hometown and I felt like no one knew what to say to me, knowing I was still carrying my dead baby. They had their grief to deal with and I felt like I was going through the motions for my husband and girls who loved their Gran Gran very much. With the other babies, I always imagine someone on my side of the family holding them in heaven, but with Janelle, when I close my eyes, it is always Gran Gran with her. Probably because I mourned them together and as much as I hated losing her in this life, it was comforting to me knowing that she was there for my Janelle.

I had hoped to deliver Janelle naturally. I delivered Jesse Page naturally and Jonathan Paul with inducing meds at home, and the pain the meds caused was not something I wanted to go through again, but God didn't see things my way. After 3 weeks, I couldn't carry her anymore and we set aside the weekend to deliver at home. My amazing mother took the girls and Saturday night we did the meds. By 9pm I had delivered my sweet little Janelle Piper. Little fingers and toes and she fit in the palm of my hand. Unlike Jonathan Paul, my placenta did not follow like it is supposed to. My Doctor told me to take the second dose of the meds and let her know. By the next morning, still nothing. She called in one more dose and told me if that didn't work, she would do a D&C to remove it on Monday morning. Monday morning when I got up to get ready for the appointment, I finally delivered the placenta. Every birth is different, this one wasn't as painful as Jonathan Paul, but was not fun either having to take 3 doses of a very strong med. I was weak and sad and lost.

I wouldn't let that last though. My God is too BIG, and too wonderful and too faithful. I made a choice, just like I did after the first 2 losses. I choose everyday to live in His presence and to choose JOY. I still hurt. I cry and I grieve. It comes in waves. Certain things will trigger that pain. But I remember my babies. I talk about them to anyone that will listen. God is going to use my story for good. I want our babies short lives to have meaning. I am not the only one with this pain. Women all around us are suffering from baby loss. Don't be afraid to talk about it. My 5 year old talks about her brother and sisters in heaven all the time.

Blessings When I Am Busy

I just want to tell you all how incredibly blessed I feel right now. I have been BUSY! Busier than I thought I would be this summer! We have some sort of vacation every 3 weeks (how awesome is that!) but that means fitting in a lot in between! We went camping and to Ruidoso (home away from home!) last week and I can't even tell you how wonderful it was to put so much focus on enjoying my little family while relaxing. This week brought on all the busy-ness of life, starting with VBS every morning. I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON! I do everything I can to avoid waking up before 10am, but it has been worth it and more! Today, I helped one of the girls in my group ask Jesus into her heart. How blessed am I, to get that opportunity? I love my group of 4th and 5th graders, and I am so sad that tomorrow is our last day as a group together. I have also loved watching my girls sing and dance and worship this week, while making friends and having fun! While this is going on, I am also working on a huge event I am hosting in July for multiple vendors to set up and for people to shop. This means many messages, planning, creating and organizing every day and it is coming together! I am getting to know so many new people through this event and that is definitely a blessing! I am working my LipBiz (selling SeneGence/ LipSense) by posting pictures, messaging customers and wearing my amazing products. I love that I get to have FUN making some extra money for our family (and  those fun vacations I was talking about!) I have also been able to spend time and connect with some awesome girls in our youth group. When I felt God calling Kort and I to be sponsors, part of me thought "Really, God, we are busy enough and you want us to do MORE?" but I am so glad we listened! The teens have really brought so much laughter, and so much perspective to my life in just a few months. They push me to try new things (kickball at my age??) and inspire me with their giving hearts. We are also hosting a July 4th Party at our house in a few days so the house is getting a good deep spring cleaning (a few months late I know!) We are having our Life Group from church over for food and fireworks and I am so excited! These are the people who we do life with because they are the ones that "get" us. We have kids the same age, we grew up in the same generation so we like and know the same things...like music. Last night a teen wanted to lip sing One Direction when I suggested something "old school" (this was a dare by the way haha). Seriously... I don't know anything by them! I am too old for that! Give me some 80's and 90's music any day!! OK, so back to my Life Group. They are the reason we committed to our church a few years ago. We are comfortable with them and when I am going through something (like losing a baby) they are the first ones I go to. In between all of this craziness in my life right now, I am still a wife, loving my husband, a mom, kissing my babies and making sure they are clean and fed, a daughter, helping my parents in any way they need because they do the same for me, and a homemaker, taking advantage of online grocery shopping, because it is a life-saver sometimes! If you have read this far, I hope that you get one thing out of me telling how crazy my life is right now. I hope you see the BLESSINGS. I am tired. I should be in bed. My house is not perfect. I have bills to pay. But I wouldn't want this life to be anything less than what it is right now. I hope and pray that my girls will look back and appreciate everything we are doing, because most of it is for them. I know I am not alone in the craziness. Most of us spend our days juggling and sometimes we drop the ball. But there is SO much beauty in the crazy, busy-ness of our lives if you just look for it.

Jonathan Paul

I haven't written in a while. With school ending, softball games, dance recitals and church plays, I have been stressed. I just wasn't in the right place to sit down and pour my heart out on page about my only son. I can't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows now and that writing about another loss is going to be easy, I just hope that it does some good for someone struggling with grief and that will make it worth it.

We got pregnant quickly after losing Jesse Page. I delivered her on October 13, 2015 and by December 11th, we had a positive pregnancy test. Due Date: August 24th, the day after our anniversary! I truly never thought I would lose a second baby. 1/4 women miscarry at some point in there life, so I had my loss and I was done with that pain, right?

On January 24, 2016 we had our first ultra-sound and announced on Facebook. From the beginning, we were never hesitant about telling people. I wanted prayers, not secrecy. Plus, I am horrible about keeping happy news to myself! My 10 week appointment was a few days after the ultrasound and on Wednesday, February 17th I got a call that the blood work/DNA test had come back. We were expecting a BOY! This was a little bit of a shock for me because I have gotten so used to girls! Part of me is afraid that as easy as the girls have been to raise, a boy will be a shock. I have people tell me all the time that I would love having a Mama's Boy, and I don't doubt it, I just think that change makes me nervous. I couldn't wait until Kort got home. He made it from the garage door to the kitchen before I cornered him and whispered... "It's A BOY!!" He had the biggest grin! I wish I could say I told him in some clever, cute way, but I am way too impatient to plan something fun! Kaydence was upset because she had her heart set on another sister. She got over it quickly though! I don't think Parker cared either way, she was just excited about a baby in my belly.

My next Dr's appointment was on February 25th. Kort came with me because I was a little nervous with it being at 14weeks, when we lost Jesse Page. One of my best friends that is also a nurse there was in the room, as well as the girls. As soon as she started searching for a heartbeat, I knew something was wrong. I started crying immediately even though I had everyone assuring me that everything was fine. The nurse went to talk to Dr. Hook and within minutes, we were all walking down the hall towards the ultra-sound machines. I was laying on my back in a dark room sobbing because I knew. I knew what was about to happen because I had lived it just a few months before. The girls were quiet and Kort never let go of my hand. All Dr. Hook had to do was shake her head for me to lose it. Everything after that is a little blurry, other than me hugging my friend and holding on to the girls as I told them that another baby went to heaven. I could tell they didn't know what to say. We left the office and went to my parents house. My parents were there and all it took was me walking in, all red faced and my mom knew. She held me for a long time and then I went and crawled in her bed while calling people in between sobs.

The next few weeks were such a rollercoaster and something that no one would understand unless you have been through it. I carried Jonathan Paul 3 weeks. I lost all pregnancy symptoms and my stomach that was just starting to show and was firm became soft. I wanted so badly to deliver him as naturally as I had Jesse Page but nothing was happening. I finally called my Dr and she sent a prescription to medically induce at home. My mom kept the girls one Friday night and we inserted the pills. Within a few hours I was cramping, more painful than anything I have ever experienced. No contractions, like before, just pain. I delivered him quickly on our bathroom floor. When he came out, he was still in his sac, since my water didn't break. I was so scared that he wasn't going to look like a baby, like Jesse, since he had been gone inside me for so long. While I delivered the placenta, Kort took him and cleaned him up. When he handed him to me, he was perfect. (Even his OBVIOUS boy parts haha) We enjoyed our time with him and then had him cremated. We got a Scentsy Owl for his ashes and his name is embroidered on.

When we found out we were having a boy, we asked the girls if they had any name suggestions. Kayd said "What about Jonathan?" Kort and I looked at each other, in a "Umm, No." kind of way and told her we would think about it, but to think some more. After we lost him, I started looking for names in the bible for boys. I happened to see Jonathan and it was perfect. Jesse means "gift" and Jonathan means "God has given." We chose Paul because I was studying Ephesians in bible study and both our Sunday School class and Pastor had been discussing Paul. I never planned to give Jesse Page and Jonathan Paul the same initials but it worked out perfectly.

After I had my baby boy, I had so many questions... why did happen twice? Why did I lose them both in the second trimester, when the chance of baby loss goes down so much? What is wrong with my body? Is God mad at me for some reason? Was it because I was scared of having a boy this time? How is this going to affect the girls? Will Kort be okay to keep trying for another one? What will people think? Why? Why? Why? The pain I feel for my Jonathan Paul is no greater or no less than the pain I feel when I think of my Jesse Page. I miss them everyday and when I take a moment to hold the tiger or owl sitting on my dresser, I feel the same heaviness and sadness and indescribable pain from missing 2 babies that I never saw take a breath. He was supposed to be my miracle rainbow baby. He was supposed to bring some light to the darkness left by losing Jesse. Instead, more darkness.

I am thankful everyday for the LIGHT of Jesus that shines in that darkness. God has shown me goodness and beauty and love through everything and in MY darkest, he is right beside me, my comforter and friend. God breathes HIS life into me, my husband, my girls and all of the people around me that I love with my whole heart. I don't know why he didn't breathe life into my babies on earth, but I do know that they are celebrating Eternal Life with my King and one day I will hold them. I like to imagine them in Heaven, my Papa Eller in one rocking chair holding Jesse, my Granny in another holding Jonathan, and my Papa Bob rocking with Janelle (her story is next). Of course they have to share with Korts Gran Gran Ruth, Daddy Doug and Gran Gran Ellis. It comforts me to know that my babies are being held, and loved and hopefully told about their Mama and Daddy who love them so much.

Dear Jonathan Paul,
I wonder everyday what it would have been like to have you at home with us. I can picture the girls doting on you, trying to mother you and be in charge because they are big sisters and you are theirs. Kayd didn't want a boy when we found out about you but now she tells me all the time she wants me to have a baby boy and bring him home. If you ask her if she has a brother, she will always tell you that she has a brother in heaven named Jonathan Paul. Parker has a hard time saying Jonathan so she calls you Jon Paul. I love it. I am thankful everyday that you never knew pain and that you are safe from this world. But at the same time I would give almost anything to have you in my arms here. Holding your little perfect body was just not enough for this Mama's heart. I will hold you and I know that you can feel how great my love is for you. I love you sweet boy.
Mama
P.S. Thank you for not giving me morning sickness like all your sisters!!

Jesse Page

Today was hard. I hid it well and did life like normal, but I spent the day with a broken heart. I always will hurt on these days. I have more of these days than anyone should. Each day of the year that represents the day I found out my baby was dead, I delivered my dead child or the due date of my dead child will always be the hardest days to endure. Some people might not like the fact that I just used the term "dead child".  It probably makes some uncomfortable. But that is what happened. I suffered a pregnancy loss, but I didn't "lose" my babies. I know right where they are. Their soul left the tiny body growing in my stomach and settled in the arms of my Savior. I also didn't "miscarry." This is a commonly used term and it doesn't bother me when people use it but I wish some people understood that this is not what happened to me. My body did not "reject" the baby and spontaneously abort. First, my children died. Then my body did what it was supposed to do by aborting the no longer living fetus. This is called pregnancy loss, not miscarriage. Pregnancy loss happens in the second trimester. I am getting ahead of myself, but I felt like it was important for those who don't know, to understand that what I am about to describe is my first experience with pregnancy loss. Each woman who experiences a miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or stillbirth has a different story, heals in different ways and there is no right or wrong in any of it. Here is one of my three stories.

We started trying for our 3rd baby in June of 2015. Parker was almost 2 and I was ready for another. Kort wanted to wait until Parker turned 2 in September but I convinced him that we should start trying a few month earlier, but I had to promise not to track my temperature or get all obsessed. We would just lose the condoms and see what happens. On Friday, July 24, 2015 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I immediately made Kort take us all to Kohls so we could find a "big sister" shirt for Parker and go to my moms house to show her. Then we FaceTimed with his parents. It has never been in me to wait to tell my family good news. I have to tell as many people as possible, as soon as possible! We told our Sunday school class that Sunday, even though I wasn't even 4 weeks pregnant yet. My due date was April 4th, 2016. I had a winter baby and a fall baby and now I would have a spring baby. I hoped for another girl because I am used to girls and I love having them, but if we had a boy, then I would be able to try for a 4th, hopefully another boy. I like the idea of either 3 girls or 2 girls and then 2 boys. But I am not in control, am I?

We went for an ultrasound at 7 weeks and announced on Facebook that we were having #3. I was HORRIBLY sick in my first trimester. Nauseous all the time and when I finally could throw up, it didn't help. I was tired and pretty much worthless. At my 10 week apt we did all the blood work for genetic testing and she gave me a sample bottle of Diclegis to help me feel better. It worked for a few weeks and then I seemed to get better, so I didn't need it anymore. I had my 14 week appointment with the nurse practitioner in my doctors office. The girls came with me like normal. I remember telling her that I had some light cramping but I thought it was just from being dehydrated. Even though I wasn't getting sick anymore, I still was having a hard time getting enough water. She did my pelvic exam (bleck!) then got the Doppler out to listen for heart tones. After looking for a while, she found nothing. She was quiet, so of course I got nervous but I didn't want the girls to see me freak out over nothing. She called in the nurse who usually does the Doppler and told me she is better at finding it. After a few minutes, I knew something was very wrong. She tried to stay positive but she knew. She went to call for the portable Ultrasound and I called Kort. I started crying as soon as I heard his voice and told him to come NOW. Luckily he was in Honor Guard practice and close by. The girls asked why I was crying and I just told them that I was scared but it would be ok. I didn't know what else to say. They brought the Ultrasound in and it only took a few minutes for the nurse practitioner to say "There's no heartbeat" and I lost it. She held me for a second but Kort walked in right after and he grabbed me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. That moment in time still seems like it lasted forever. Eventually my doctor came in, told me she was so sorry and that I had 3 options. I could have a D&C, I could induce at home with meds or I could wait and see if I delivered naturally. I didn't have to decide right then, I just needed to let her know when I was ready. I am thankful for a doctor that gave me all my options like she did. I have since learned that not all do. Some just tell women that they have to have a D&C and schedule it. I like having the option to decide what is best so that I can heal physically and emotionally the way I need to.

The rest of the day was a blur. I know I went to my moms office and cried with her. I know Kort and I layed in bed while the girls played and we made phone calls to family and our Pastor. I know I researched D&Cs and we talked about the pros and cons. That weekend my mom also contacted local funeral homes to find out how they could help us. One thing I knew for sure was that my baby's body was going to be cremated and that we would decide how to say goodbye, and that it would not be thrown away in a medical waste bag. This was not a fetus to me, this was my baby and I needed to say goodbye the way I would any death. I had read an article shortly before about a family who had to fight a hospital for the right to take their baby's body home, because it was hospital policy that before 19weeks the fetus was to be thrown away. This couple was able to get a law made in Texas giving parents the right to their baby's body, no matter how small. On Monday I had a doctors appointment and we had decided to have a D&C. I was worried about delivering at home and traumatizing the girls. My doctor hadn't heard of the new law but said she would make sure that I could keep my baby. She did warn me though that the extraction of the baby would likely deform it. I asked for one last ultrasound picture before I left. I didn't see the baby on the screen when they had looked for the heartbeat and I needed to see just one more time. Before I left she told me that she would try to fit me in for the D&C by Wednesday but it might be Friday before she could do it.

Monday night at about 9pm I went to the bathroom and passed some small blood clots. I knew then that something was going to be happening that night. Kort put the girls to bed while I settled in on the couch and called my doctor. She said to call her after I delivered, take some Tylenol and if I started bleeding more than a pad full an hour to head to the ER. I was having light contractions, not painful, like in very early labor. The difference was that they didn't stop and weren't sporadic at all, they were constant like in late stages of labor. Kort went to bed but left the door open so he could hear me when I needed him. Around midnight my water broke. Luckily we had put a towel under me on the couch. Kort got up and helped me get settled on the floor with plastic and towels underneath me. It was still never painful, just a little uncomfortable. I was watching a Hallmark movie and he went back to bed. 30 minutes later, it happened. I yelled for Kort and he came in just as our little baby's body came out. It was so tiny and perfect. Little eyes and ears, little fingers and toes. We took pictures and wrapped it in a little doll blanket of the girls. I thought that I would have been a blubbering mess but in that moment, we just sat and admired God's creation. That little body may not have had our baby's soul in it anymore but it was still ours and it was still a miracle. I have never seen something so small and beautiful in my life. We looked at genitals for boy or girl but there was nothing there. I wanted to just say girl but I was afraid it was just too early. We now know she was a girl. Our next was a boy that was a week younger and he was ALL BOY! If Jesse Page had been a boy, I now know we would have seen the "evidence" at birth. We picked her name from the bible. Jesse was gender neutral and means "gift of God" which was perfect. Page is our Pastors last name and he has been such an important person in our lives and our family that I couldn't imagine not using it.

The next day, my mom went with me to the funeral home while Kort took the girls to dance class. She had found a place that would take care of all the paperwork necessary between the doctors office and ME's office for us. My mom and dad paid for the cremation for each of our babies and I will always be grateful for that. We would have come up with the money but what a relief, that was one less thing to stress about! The funeral home put our baby's ashes in a Scentsy Buddy for us. If you don't know, they have a zipper pouch in the back for the scents that come with them, that are perfect for little ashes. They also had Jesse Page embroidered on. We chose the Tiger since we didn't know if she was a boy or girl at the time. The girls know that the Tiger on our dresser is to help us remember our Jesse Page and that it is not a toy. It has always been important to us to talk about Jesse and our other babies to the girls so that they understand that they were real. They know that they have 2 sisters and a brother in heaven and that we will see them again someday, just not here on earth. They have seen me cry many, many tears and they know that Mama is sad sometimes. They know that is ok for me to be sad. They also know that we pray for healthy babies and that sometimes God has plans that we don't understand. Parker tells me all the time that it will be ok, Jesus will put another baby in my belly.

I have been told many times by different people that I am so strong, and they don't know where I get the strength. The truth is, I get my strength from God, because if I didn't run towards Him when I am suffering, I would run away from Him and then I would really be lost. I also get my strength from Kortney. He is my rock and my shoulder to cry on whenever I need it. Last, I get my strength from my girls. I look at them and I am reminded of all I have been blessed with. They are my joy in my pain and my light in the darkness because one smile or kiss from them and I remember that my life has so much purpose.

I am not the first to suffer pregnancy loss, miscarriage or stillbirth and I won't be the last. I am not the only one who knows this kind of pain. I hope that by telling each my experiences, I am helping someone who has been through it, remember that they are not alone. That God has a plan, even when we don't understand it. And that its ok to be sad, mad, confused...etc. I also have to add that the tiny little body I gave birth to was once a living human being. She had a heartbeat and a soul, and she was valuable. There are people in this world that would say that my "choice" to carry her or not was more important than her life. It is not. There is nothing more important than her value as a human. To say that she is less because she relied on me for her life, devalues her life and my pain when that life was lost. There should be no "choice."

Dear Jesse Page,
There are times when I feel like the world has forgotten you. Everything and everyone has moved on while it feels like a part of my heart will always be stuck in time, in that one brief moment when I held you. But life has moved on. And my prayer is that you look down on us from heaven, with your brother and sister and think "don't worry Mama, Jesus has me and we are waiting for you" I am going to live this life the best way I can, so that one day I will hold you in my arms, and while I am here, I will never forget. I am telling your story so that your little short life has some meaning, some purpose, even if all that purpose is, is just to heal my heart just a little bit more. You are not forgotten, not by me, your Daddy, or your sisters. We love you.
Mama

Our Surprise Miracle

My second birth story came as a little perfect surprise! We had decided when Kaydence turned one that we would start trying for our second. We wanted them close in age and knew if it took time to again that we should start trying when she was pretty young.

Kayds first birthday party was on December 29th, 2012. On January 1st I realized that I was 2 days late and I am NEVER late, usually a day or 2 early if anything. I didn't think much of it but I had a test in the bathroom and Kort said to take it just in case. Neither of us expected for me to walk into the nursery while he was changing a diaper to tell him it was positive!! I had been tracking my temp to get ready to start trying and we knew that just after we were intimate I ovulated but we never thought that one time would be THE ONE. What were the chances that it would take one time after taking years to get the first? And we weren't trying, I just happened to ovulate the next day, a little sooner than I usually ovulate.

God has a plan for us, and His plan is ALWAYS better than our own! I had a rough first trimester because I couldn't keep any food down and felt weak all the time. And half way through it, Kayd and I both got the worst stomach bug I have ever experienced, but we made it through! My second and third trimesters were amazing and while most people hate being pregnant in the summer, I LOVED being able to wear a sundress and flip flops everyday!

We found out we were having another girl at our 20 week sonogram and I was SO HAPPY!! I loved having Kayd and was so excited to give her a sister/best friend. We decorated her nursery in turquoise and red and took maternity pictures with big sister.

I was due on September 5, 2013 and that day came and went with nothing but random braxton hicks. On Sunday night, September 8th, I started having regular contractions around 2am and woke Kort up at 3am to time me. At 4am they were 5 minutes apart whether I was laying, sitting or walking so we called my mom to come be with Kayd and we headed to the hospital. They monitored me from 5am-7am and my contractions had slowed and I was only at a 3. They called my Dr and she gave us a choice, go home and wait or get settled in a room and start a light Pitocin drip. I was ready to get the baby here and didn't want to go home just to come back so we took the Pitocin. They let me eat a bagel before they hooked me up and we made calls to let everyone know that we would be having the baby soon.

The morning was pretty uneventful until after she broke my water, then the contractions got painful and close together QUICK. I think I was at a 6 when I asked for the epidural at about 5pm. It would be another HOUR AND A HALF before he could make it in because he had an emergency epidural to take care of first. In that time I felt like I never got a break from the pain and the pressure was intense!! I finally got the epidural and then shortly afterwards, they checked me and I was at a 10 and ready to push! My mom later told me that she thought I was already fully dilated and could have had her without the epidural but didn't say anything because I was the one in pain. I wish she would have had them check me, and maybe I could have had her naturally since I already went through all that pain. Oh well, can't change it now! Just like her sister, she was stubborn about coming out! 2 hours of pushing and her going forward and then back a little bit! My doctor finally threatened to use something to help pull her out and she decided to come right out!

I had the same people in the room for this birth, Kort and my mom holding my hands, my mother in law taking pictures and my dad....on the other side of the room watching the baseball game. We are big Texas Rangers fans so in between pushes I would ask about the score and he would give me an update, never looking our direction! (Rangers lost that night :( )

My second little miracle was born at 9:47pm on September 9, 2013. She weighed 7lbs 6oz but looked so much smaller than her sister and lost so many ounces in her first 2 days that my mom and I think the scale was broken! She had many visitors right away while I enjoyed a huge, delicious cheeseburger. She nursed like a pro from the start and was such a good baby. Everyone said that since Kayd was so good, this one would give us trouble, but she never did! She slept great, was always happy and so beautiful!

I have 2 girls that have been more of a blessing than I ever could have imagined. Watching them grow and having the privilege of raising them has been so amazing. I am proud to be their mom and I pray that when they are grown, they can read these words and be proud of where they started. Neither of my girls had very dramatic birth stories,  but that doesn't take away from the miracle that happened on these days. I have 3 more birth stories to tell that are not happy endings. They are important because they make my 2 girls stories so much more of a miracle. God knew the benefit of giving me my girls first, so that even in the pain and suffering, I could look at my beautiful girls faces and see God's goodness and love.

My First Miracle Baby

Kort and I went on vacation to Lajitas Golf Resort the last week of April in 2011. It was a perfect vacation, made more perfect by the positive pregnancy test! We were so excited! We enjoyed the rest of our vacation but I couldn't wait to get back to tell our families what we have wanted to announce for so long. Everything went perfectly. I was nauseated and tired, found a wonderful doctor and started online browsing everything baby I could.

In August at our 18 week ultrasound we found out we were having a girl. I was so surprised! We had 6 nephews and I always imagined being a boy mom, I had no clue what to do with a girl! I am not into frills or pink and I was so afraid that I wouldn't know how to raise a girl. It seems silly now, I love being a girl mom and wouldn't trade it for the world. God knew what he was doing when he gave me my girls! At 19 weeks I felt a flutter in my stomach for the first time. I still wasn't showing very much but it was amazing to feel that little one inside me for the first time. As I grew, I was fascinated by the feeling of her moving around inside of me. I made coworkers feel her kick me and took videos of my belly rolling.

My due date was January 7, 2012 but our insurance changed and we found out that starting January 1st we would lose our doctor and the hospital we had planned on giving birth in. I was sad but my doctor agreed that we could induce on December 30 and that everything would be fine.
She was right!

I was so nervous going into the hospital the night of the 29th. I hadn't started dilating so I went in for dilation meds that night and then I would get Pitocin the next morning. We had a big family dinner with my in-laws before we went in and I knew I needed to eat well but my nerves made it difficult. I knew to expect pain, but would I be able to handle it? I wanted to try to have a natural birth but what if I couldn't? What if something went wrong and the baby was in danger? I knew she was safe inside me but what if something happened to her during birth? Or after? Was I going to be a good mom? I knew the basics about taking care of a baby but what if I screwed it up? What if I couldn't breastfeed and we had to pick a formula? What if I hurt her on accident when trying to change her, or bath her, or what if I held her wrong? What if I didn't bond with her? What if other judged me for the decisions Kort and I made for her? What if I do everything "right" and she still ends up messed up in some way? I feel safe sharing these questions because I know I am not the first mom to have them. And I might have missed some question that other moms feared when giving birth and raising a child. I think the best moms are the most scared. Because we care so much and we love our babies more than we love ourselves. I have learned that it's ok to have those fears and questions, as long as I give them over to God and listen for His answers. He calms me and reminds me that I can only control so much and then I have to trust in Him.

I didn't sleep much that first night in the hospital between the meds kicking in and the nervousness and the uncomfortable hospital bed. The next morning they started Pitocin and it wasn't long before the contractions started. She broke my water to help move things along as well. I don't remember too much of the details except that Kort and my mom were with me the whole time, with friends and family coming in a out throughout the day. Once the pain started getting too bad I asked for some IV drugs to take the edge off. I thought that they would take away just enough of the pain that I could avoid the epidural and be ok. I was WRONG!! The pain got worse and all the meds did was make me so drowsy I couldn't stay awake in between contractions. I remember yelling at friend who came in and saw me in pain and she tried to rub my back. I yelled "Don't touch me!" and I meant it! I felt bad afterwards but the truth is that everyone who touched me made the pain in that area 10x worse! I asked for an epidural and got one immediately. I don't know who that anesthesiologist was but he was a miracle worker. I told them that I didn't want to lose all feeling and he did that for me. The pain went away but I could still move my legs and feel the pressure from each contraction. I didn't get fully dilated until just before 7pm. I had Kort and my mom holding my legs, my mother-in-law there for support and to take pictures, my dad standing behind the curtains by the door, my doctor telling me when to push and the nurse helping me count and then another nurse sitting down with some paperwork. I assume she was just supposed to record time of birth, etc but  I soon put her to work! Kort was trying to help hold my legs but he also helped lift my back everytime I went to push. This lasted for long enough that he was getting exhausted and I was getting more tired watching him go back and forth than I was pushing. I asked if another nurse could hold my legs so he could just help me and the nurse wasn't too happy to get up from her comfy seat. I don't care.

After almost 2 hours of pushing, at 8:47pm my perfect little girl came into this world and straight into my arms on my chest. I was crying and she was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen! I had requested that all her vitals be taken while we have skin to skin immediately and everyone was fine with that. The problem was that she only cried for a second and then snuggled right on to me as happy as could be! You wouldn't think of that as a problem, except that she had mucus in her lungs and airways that they needed to clear and the best way to do that is by her crying. So they laid her in the bed beside mine and I watched them as they measured and printed and did their job. I could hear the fluid clearing out of her as she cried so I was ok with it. Once they wrapped her up and gave her back I tried to breastfeed. Not much happened then, but I knew we had time to work on that. People started coming in to hold her and take pictures but it was late by this time and no one stayed too long. I was glad because I was ready to have my girl to myself. My father in law went to get me chicken from my favorite place and they gave my baby her first sponge bath in the room with us so we could watch. Once everyone left and we were settled into a regular room, Kort fell right to sleep. I know he had a hard day watching me in pain and the best day because Daddy's Little Girl was finally here. Part of me wanted to punch him for being able to fall asleep so quickly. I had so much adrenaline and all I wanted to do was hold my miracle and watch her sleep. But  I was tired and hurting, child-birth will do that to you!

I could go on and on about our day in the hospital, our trip home, our first weeks as parents, her first birthday, her milestones and her amazing personality. She is my miracle because I don't know how I went from infertility to a natural conception and such a perfectly routine delivery. I don't know why God chose me for this job but it is one I take very seriously. I hope one day, she reads this story and is glad I wrote it down for her. I want her to see the beauty in child-birth and to know that every delivery is different. It is important to me to share all of my birth stories with people who want to know and I couldn't do the others without sharing my first.

A Look Back At Our Infertility...

WOW!! I just read through all of my posts from 2010 and WOW!! How life has changed for the Garrett family!! I have decided to start blogging again after over 6 years because once again, I am at a time in my life where I don't know what the future holds for our family. I will start by writing about our infertility struggles as I look back and remember the feelings and frustrations of not being able to conceive and then with each new post, I will tell a new Birth Story. After that, we will see where my typing takes me....

As I read through each post, I didn't remember the side effects of the medications, or my doctors recommendations each month. What I still remember is that monthly roller coaster ride. The hopefulness followed by the hopelessness. I remember wanting a baby so badly but being afraid that I wouldn't get the chance. Now that seems so silly to me. If I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did, we would have seen a fertility specialist, done what we could with them and then if that didn't work, we would have adopted. I was always meant to be a mom. I now know that I was meant to be a mom to 2 beautiful girls. Isn't amazing how our fears can seem SO BIG and then when we look at them later, we can say, Oh well, look how great everything turned out! Even when things take unplanned detours in our lives, we usually end up exactly where we are supposed to!

Infertility is so frustrating because there are so many reasons for it, and so many different "solutions" and in the end, the best thing to do is to trust God and his plan and try to follow his guidance through prayer. But as humans, we want one problem, and one solution to fix it. We want answers now and we want the ability to plan our own lives the way we think they should go. We aren't in control. God is. Thank goodness!

In the 2 years it took us to conceive our first baby, Kortney and I were able to buy a house. And get our one car payment almost completely paid off. And we had no credit card debt that we couldn't pay off month to month because I was still working. I believe that most people are never "ready" to have a baby financially, but we were able to get a little more comfortable so that me leaving work to be a SAHM wasn't as much of a struggle. Babies are so much more of a blessing than money, but now I can look back and say that I am so glad that we had that time to build our financial situation to a better place.

More important to me than money, I am so glad we had that time as a couple. We spent several years just being us. We traveled together, we talked about our future plans and we went on countless dates. We grew together in so many ways and built a strong foundation for our marriage. I don't doubt that we would still be strong if we had been able to conceive right away, but those years are treasured. They were a struggle in many ways but we were a team!

My story of infertility has a different ending than most people. We were able to get pregnant 100% naturally. We found out on April 27, 2011 that I was pregnant and I cancelled my appointment with the specialist that was scheduled for May 12, 2011. I don't know why God chose to turn our infertility into fertility but I will PRAISE HIM for it! My prayer for anyone I meet or hear about that struggles with infertility is simply that God's will be done. He has a different plan for all of us, but if we trust Him, he will guide us towards the family we are meant to have.