It took us a while longer to get pregnant after we lost Jonathan Paul in Feb 2016. In early October I had a Chemical Pregnancy. I HATE that term. It makes it sound like the baby wasn't real. But he/she was. My egg was fertilized, and attached long enough for me to get several positive pregnancy tests. In case you don't know, it is VERY difficult to get a false positive and way more unlikely to get them on multiple types of tests. I took blue dye, pink dye and digital tests for 3 days but the lines were getting lighter, not darker. Then on Sunday afternoon my digital test was negative. My HCG level rose when the baby attached, but my levels dropped when the baby didn't "stick". I started my period the next day. Physically, it is no different than another period, but emotionally, it is heartbreaking. Most people don't know they have a Chemical Pregnancy unless they are trying to conceive and testing regularly and before their missed period. It is a sign that my Progesterone was low and something that is good to let my Dr know for future tests.
The very next cycle, I got pregnant again. This time we waited a little longer before telling ANYONE in case it happened again. But I have said it before, I would rather tell people and ask for many prayers than wait and pray alone (with my husband of course, he always knows first and is right there praying with me!) We also didn't want the girls to know. We had told them the month before and you can't explain a Chemical Pregnancy to a 2 and 4 year old, so we told them that the test was wrong. I hated doing that because it felt like lying about that little life that was briefly there, but it was best for the girls.
By 5 weeks we started telling the people closest to us and asking for prayers. At 8 weeks we had a sonogram and told Facebook. We saw a little blob with a strong heartbeat.. the best sound in the world! I was sick with this one. I would get nauseated and throw up but not feel better. I had good days and then really bad days. Smells were a huge trigger for sickness, whether good or bad and everything tasted different. We spent Christmas at my in-laws house and I tried once to go help in the kitchen but the boiled eggs for the deviled eggs they were making sent me running to the bathroom to throw up. I love my mother-in-laws food but that day I ate turkey, gravy, and peas. I have been pregnant with 4 girls and 1 boy and the girls make me the most sick. I WOULD TAKE 9 MONTHS OF THAT SICKNESS FOR ANOTHER HEALTHY BABY!! I understand when people complain about being pregnant, it is hard. It is exhausting, nauseating and it seems to last forever. But it is SO worth it... when you get to hold your baby. When you don't and you deliver your angel, you feel like you suffered, just to suffer infinitely more. In mid-December at my 10 week check up, my Dr pulled in the portable sonogram machine so that I could see my baby again. She knew I would need that reassurance and she was so right. I remember watching my baby dance and wiggle around, stretch out with her hands above her head and then settle down. She put on a little show for us, and she had changed so much in just 2 weeks! I did lab work including the gender testing that day and I was so sure my baby was going to be perfect. I had drawn a line that God wouldn't cross. He had held me as I suffered through 2 losses and I had leaned on him so now it was my time to get my Rainbow Baby. 3 losses wasn't an option.
The thing about God is that you can't draw lines in the sand for Him. He has a plan and we don't get to choose the boundaries, he does. That is what total trust is. My next appointment was scheduled for 16 weeks because after New Years my Dr's office was so booked and she knew I didn't want to be seen at 14 weeks. In my mind, the 14 week appointment was cursed. Maybe that is silly but I needed to wait. Except that when 13 weeks came around, I felt different. On Thursday January 5th my nurse called to tell me that my lab work came back all normal. When I asked her about the baby's gender she said it wasn't on her paperwork and she would need to call the lab to check. I was sitting in the waiting room of my daughters dance class, and I told her I was scared. I was having trouble sleeping and the closer I got to 14 weeks the more nervous I got. I think, deep down, I knew something was wrong. She said she didn't see patients on Friday but if I came in the next morning she would check heart tones to ease my mind. She knew what I had been through and my nurse and my Dr have always listened to what I needed. I can't say enough wonderful things about them! About an hour later, we were at Whitewood Lanes getting ready for my daughters bowling party when my nurse called. We were having a girl. I was happy and ready to hear my girls heartbeat!
The next morning, Kort came with me to the appointment. She couldn't find the heartbeat and I knew. She had the portable ultrasound brought in and confirmed it. My girl was gone. No heartbeat. I LOST IT. I couldn't breathe as Kort held me. I nearly passed out before I caught my breath in between sobs. I barely remember walking upstairs to where one of my best friends works and telling her while sobbing. I barely remember driving to my moms office to tell her and cry on her couch in her office. Kort and I had taken different cars to the appointment so he took the girls home. I tried to sleep but couldn't. Kort tried to get me to eat, but I couldn't. I know I called some people to tell them but I don't remember who I called or what I said.
A darkness came over me that didn't with the other two. I was more than mad at God. I was lost. My brain knew that I needed to cling to Him in my pain, but my heart wouldn't let me. I was more fake during this time than before. I got through the days and weeks with a cloud over me that I couldn't push aside. Kortney told me he was more scared this time because I wasn't myself. I grieved for my Jesse Page and my Jonathan Paul but this time I lost too much of my self in my grief. It took me much longer to process and it took a certain book to pull me out of it. A friend who has had miscarriages herself gave me the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. If you have lost a baby, I HIGHLY recommend it! It was like she was saying what I couldn't put into words.
Just 10 days after we found out Janelle was gone, Kortneys grandmother passed away unexpectedly. We spent a week in his hometown and I felt like no one knew what to say to me, knowing I was still carrying my dead baby. They had their grief to deal with and I felt like I was going through the motions for my husband and girls who loved their Gran Gran very much. With the other babies, I always imagine someone on my side of the family holding them in heaven, but with Janelle, when I close my eyes, it is always Gran Gran with her. Probably because I mourned them together and as much as I hated losing her in this life, it was comforting to me knowing that she was there for my Janelle.
I had hoped to deliver Janelle naturally. I delivered Jesse Page naturally and Jonathan Paul with inducing meds at home, and the pain the meds caused was not something I wanted to go through again, but God didn't see things my way. After 3 weeks, I couldn't carry her anymore and we set aside the weekend to deliver at home. My amazing mother took the girls and Saturday night we did the meds. By 9pm I had delivered my sweet little Janelle Piper. Little fingers and toes and she fit in the palm of my hand. Unlike Jonathan Paul, my placenta did not follow like it is supposed to. My Doctor told me to take the second dose of the meds and let her know. By the next morning, still nothing. She called in one more dose and told me if that didn't work, she would do a D&C to remove it on Monday morning. Monday morning when I got up to get ready for the appointment, I finally delivered the placenta. Every birth is different, this one wasn't as painful as Jonathan Paul, but was not fun either having to take 3 doses of a very strong med. I was weak and sad and lost.
I wouldn't let that last though. My God is too BIG, and too wonderful and too faithful. I made a choice, just like I did after the first 2 losses. I choose everyday to live in His presence and to choose JOY. I still hurt. I cry and I grieve. It comes in waves. Certain things will trigger that pain. But I remember my babies. I talk about them to anyone that will listen. God is going to use my story for good. I want our babies short lives to have meaning. I am not the only one with this pain. Women all around us are suffering from baby loss. Don't be afraid to talk about it. My 5 year old talks about her brother and sisters in heaven all the time.
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