We got pregnant quickly after losing Jesse Page. I delivered her on October 13, 2015 and by December 11th, we had a positive pregnancy test. Due Date: August 24th, the day after our anniversary! I truly never thought I would lose a second baby. 1/4 women miscarry at some point in there life, so I had my loss and I was done with that pain, right?
On January 24, 2016 we had our first ultra-sound and announced on Facebook. From the beginning, we were never hesitant about telling people. I wanted prayers, not secrecy. Plus, I am horrible about keeping happy news to myself! My 10 week appointment was a few days after the ultrasound and on Wednesday, February 17th I got a call that the blood work/DNA test had come back. We were expecting a BOY! This was a little bit of a shock for me because I have gotten so used to girls! Part of me is afraid that as easy as the girls have been to raise, a boy will be a shock. I have people tell me all the time that I would love having a Mama's Boy, and I don't doubt it, I just think that change makes me nervous. I couldn't wait until Kort got home. He made it from the garage door to the kitchen before I cornered him and whispered... "It's A BOY!!" He had the biggest grin! I wish I could say I told him in some clever, cute way, but I am way too impatient to plan something fun! Kaydence was upset because she had her heart set on another sister. She got over it quickly though! I don't think Parker cared either way, she was just excited about a baby in my belly.
My next Dr's appointment was on February 25th. Kort came with me because I was a little nervous with it being at 14weeks, when we lost Jesse Page. One of my best friends that is also a nurse there was in the room, as well as the girls. As soon as she started searching for a heartbeat, I knew something was wrong. I started crying immediately even though I had everyone assuring me that everything was fine. The nurse went to talk to Dr. Hook and within minutes, we were all walking down the hall towards the ultra-sound machines. I was laying on my back in a dark room sobbing because I knew. I knew what was about to happen because I had lived it just a few months before. The girls were quiet and Kort never let go of my hand. All Dr. Hook had to do was shake her head for me to lose it. Everything after that is a little blurry, other than me hugging my friend and holding on to the girls as I told them that another baby went to heaven. I could tell they didn't know what to say. We left the office and went to my parents house. My parents were there and all it took was me walking in, all red faced and my mom knew. She held me for a long time and then I went and crawled in her bed while calling people in between sobs.
The next few weeks were such a rollercoaster and something that no one would understand unless you have been through it. I carried Jonathan Paul 3 weeks. I lost all pregnancy symptoms and my stomach that was just starting to show and was firm became soft. I wanted so badly to deliver him as naturally as I had Jesse Page but nothing was happening. I finally called my Dr and she sent a prescription to medically induce at home. My mom kept the girls one Friday night and we inserted the pills. Within a few hours I was cramping, more painful than anything I have ever experienced. No contractions, like before, just pain. I delivered him quickly on our bathroom floor. When he came out, he was still in his sac, since my water didn't break. I was so scared that he wasn't going to look like a baby, like Jesse, since he had been gone inside me for so long. While I delivered the placenta, Kort took him and cleaned him up. When he handed him to me, he was perfect. (Even his OBVIOUS boy parts haha) We enjoyed our time with him and then had him cremated. We got a Scentsy Owl for his ashes and his name is embroidered on.
When we found out we were having a boy, we asked the girls if they had any name suggestions. Kayd said "What about Jonathan?" Kort and I looked at each other, in a "Umm, No." kind of way and told her we would think about it, but to think some more. After we lost him, I started looking for names in the bible for boys. I happened to see Jonathan and it was perfect. Jesse means "gift" and Jonathan means "God has given." We chose Paul because I was studying Ephesians in bible study and both our Sunday School class and Pastor had been discussing Paul. I never planned to give Jesse Page and Jonathan Paul the same initials but it worked out perfectly.
After I had my baby boy, I had so many questions... why did happen twice? Why did I lose them both in the second trimester, when the chance of baby loss goes down so much? What is wrong with my body? Is God mad at me for some reason? Was it because I was scared of having a boy this time? How is this going to affect the girls? Will Kort be okay to keep trying for another one? What will people think? Why? Why? Why? The pain I feel for my Jonathan Paul is no greater or no less than the pain I feel when I think of my Jesse Page. I miss them everyday and when I take a moment to hold the tiger or owl sitting on my dresser, I feel the same heaviness and sadness and indescribable pain from missing 2 babies that I never saw take a breath. He was supposed to be my miracle rainbow baby. He was supposed to bring some light to the darkness left by losing Jesse. Instead, more darkness.
I am thankful everyday for the LIGHT of Jesus that shines in that darkness. God has shown me goodness and beauty and love through everything and in MY darkest, he is right beside me, my comforter and friend. God breathes HIS life into me, my husband, my girls and all of the people around me that I love with my whole heart. I don't know why he didn't breathe life into my babies on earth, but I do know that they are celebrating Eternal Life with my King and one day I will hold them. I like to imagine them in Heaven, my Papa Eller in one rocking chair holding Jesse, my Granny in another holding Jonathan, and my Papa Bob rocking with Janelle (her story is next). Of course they have to share with Korts Gran Gran Ruth, Daddy Doug and Gran Gran Ellis. It comforts me to know that my babies are being held, and loved and hopefully told about their Mama and Daddy who love them so much.
Dear Jonathan Paul,
I wonder everyday what it would have been like to have you at home with us. I can picture the girls doting on you, trying to mother you and be in charge because they are big sisters and you are theirs. Kayd didn't want a boy when we found out about you but now she tells me all the time she wants me to have a baby boy and bring him home. If you ask her if she has a brother, she will always tell you that she has a brother in heaven named Jonathan Paul. Parker has a hard time saying Jonathan so she calls you Jon Paul. I love it. I am thankful everyday that you never knew pain and that you are safe from this world. But at the same time I would give almost anything to have you in my arms here. Holding your little perfect body was just not enough for this Mama's heart. I will hold you and I know that you can feel how great my love is for you. I love you sweet boy.
Mama
P.S. Thank you for not giving me morning sickness like all your sisters!!
