We started trying for our 3rd baby in June of 2015. Parker was almost 2 and I was ready for another. Kort wanted to wait until Parker turned 2 in September but I convinced him that we should start trying a few month earlier, but I had to promise not to track my temperature or get all obsessed. We would just lose the condoms and see what happens. On Friday, July 24, 2015 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I immediately made Kort take us all to Kohls so we could find a "big sister" shirt for Parker and go to my moms house to show her. Then we FaceTimed with his parents. It has never been in me to wait to tell my family good news. I have to tell as many people as possible, as soon as possible! We told our Sunday school class that Sunday, even though I wasn't even 4 weeks pregnant yet. My due date was April 4th, 2016. I had a winter baby and a fall baby and now I would have a spring baby. I hoped for another girl because I am used to girls and I love having them, but if we had a boy, then I would be able to try for a 4th, hopefully another boy. I like the idea of either 3 girls or 2 girls and then 2 boys. But I am not in control, am I?
We went for an ultrasound at 7 weeks and announced on Facebook that we were having #3. I was HORRIBLY sick in my first trimester. Nauseous all the time and when I finally could throw up, it didn't help. I was tired and pretty much worthless. At my 10 week apt we did all the blood work for genetic testing and she gave me a sample bottle of Diclegis to help me feel better. It worked for a few weeks and then I seemed to get better, so I didn't need it anymore. I had my 14 week appointment with the nurse practitioner in my doctors office. The girls came with me like normal. I remember telling her that I had some light cramping but I thought it was just from being dehydrated. Even though I wasn't getting sick anymore, I still was having a hard time getting enough water. She did my pelvic exam (bleck!) then got the Doppler out to listen for heart tones. After looking for a while, she found nothing. She was quiet, so of course I got nervous but I didn't want the girls to see me freak out over nothing. She called in the nurse who usually does the Doppler and told me she is better at finding it. After a few minutes, I knew something was very wrong. She tried to stay positive but she knew. She went to call for the portable Ultrasound and I called Kort. I started crying as soon as I heard his voice and told him to come NOW. Luckily he was in Honor Guard practice and close by. The girls asked why I was crying and I just told them that I was scared but it would be ok. I didn't know what else to say. They brought the Ultrasound in and it only took a few minutes for the nurse practitioner to say "There's no heartbeat" and I lost it. She held me for a second but Kort walked in right after and he grabbed me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. That moment in time still seems like it lasted forever. Eventually my doctor came in, told me she was so sorry and that I had 3 options. I could have a D&C, I could induce at home with meds or I could wait and see if I delivered naturally. I didn't have to decide right then, I just needed to let her know when I was ready. I am thankful for a doctor that gave me all my options like she did. I have since learned that not all do. Some just tell women that they have to have a D&C and schedule it. I like having the option to decide what is best so that I can heal physically and emotionally the way I need to.
The rest of the day was a blur. I know I went to my moms office and cried with her. I know Kort and I layed in bed while the girls played and we made phone calls to family and our Pastor. I know I researched D&Cs and we talked about the pros and cons. That weekend my mom also contacted local funeral homes to find out how they could help us. One thing I knew for sure was that my baby's body was going to be cremated and that we would decide how to say goodbye, and that it would not be thrown away in a medical waste bag. This was not a fetus to me, this was my baby and I needed to say goodbye the way I would any death. I had read an article shortly before about a family who had to fight a hospital for the right to take their baby's body home, because it was hospital policy that before 19weeks the fetus was to be thrown away. This couple was able to get a law made in Texas giving parents the right to their baby's body, no matter how small. On Monday I had a doctors appointment and we had decided to have a D&C. I was worried about delivering at home and traumatizing the girls. My doctor hadn't heard of the new law but said she would make sure that I could keep my baby. She did warn me though that the extraction of the baby would likely deform it. I asked for one last ultrasound picture before I left. I didn't see the baby on the screen when they had looked for the heartbeat and I needed to see just one more time. Before I left she told me that she would try to fit me in for the D&C by Wednesday but it might be Friday before she could do it.
Monday night at about 9pm I went to the bathroom and passed some small blood clots. I knew then that something was going to be happening that night. Kort put the girls to bed while I settled in on the couch and called my doctor. She said to call her after I delivered, take some Tylenol and if I started bleeding more than a pad full an hour to head to the ER. I was having light contractions, not painful, like in very early labor. The difference was that they didn't stop and weren't sporadic at all, they were constant like in late stages of labor. Kort went to bed but left the door open so he could hear me when I needed him. Around midnight my water broke. Luckily we had put a towel under me on the couch. Kort got up and helped me get settled on the floor with plastic and towels underneath me. It was still never painful, just a little uncomfortable. I was watching a Hallmark movie and he went back to bed. 30 minutes later, it happened. I yelled for Kort and he came in just as our little baby's body came out. It was so tiny and perfect. Little eyes and ears, little fingers and toes. We took pictures and wrapped it in a little doll blanket of the girls. I thought that I would have been a blubbering mess but in that moment, we just sat and admired God's creation. That little body may not have had our baby's soul in it anymore but it was still ours and it was still a miracle. I have never seen something so small and beautiful in my life. We looked at genitals for boy or girl but there was nothing there. I wanted to just say girl but I was afraid it was just too early. We now know she was a girl. Our next was a boy that was a week younger and he was ALL BOY! If Jesse Page had been a boy, I now know we would have seen the "evidence" at birth. We picked her name from the bible. Jesse was gender neutral and means "gift of God" which was perfect. Page is our Pastors last name and he has been such an important person in our lives and our family that I couldn't imagine not using it.
The next day, my mom went with me to the funeral home while Kort took the girls to dance class. She had found a place that would take care of all the paperwork necessary between the doctors office and ME's office for us. My mom and dad paid for the cremation for each of our babies and I will always be grateful for that. We would have come up with the money but what a relief, that was one less thing to stress about! The funeral home put our baby's ashes in a Scentsy Buddy for us. If you don't know, they have a zipper pouch in the back for the scents that come with them, that are perfect for little ashes. They also had Jesse Page embroidered on. We chose the Tiger since we didn't know if she was a boy or girl at the time. The girls know that the Tiger on our dresser is to help us remember our Jesse Page and that it is not a toy. It has always been important to us to talk about Jesse and our other babies to the girls so that they understand that they were real. They know that they have 2 sisters and a brother in heaven and that we will see them again someday, just not here on earth. They have seen me cry many, many tears and they know that Mama is sad sometimes. They know that is ok for me to be sad. They also know that we pray for healthy babies and that sometimes God has plans that we don't understand. Parker tells me all the time that it will be ok, Jesus will put another baby in my belly.
I have been told many times by different people that I am so strong, and they don't know where I get the strength. The truth is, I get my strength from God, because if I didn't run towards Him when I am suffering, I would run away from Him and then I would really be lost. I also get my strength from Kortney. He is my rock and my shoulder to cry on whenever I need it. Last, I get my strength from my girls. I look at them and I am reminded of all I have been blessed with. They are my joy in my pain and my light in the darkness because one smile or kiss from them and I remember that my life has so much purpose.
I am not the first to suffer pregnancy loss, miscarriage or stillbirth and I won't be the last. I am not the only one who knows this kind of pain. I hope that by telling each my experiences, I am helping someone who has been through it, remember that they are not alone. That God has a plan, even when we don't understand it. And that its ok to be sad, mad, confused...etc. I also have to add that the tiny little body I gave birth to was once a living human being. She had a heartbeat and a soul, and she was valuable. There are people in this world that would say that my "choice" to carry her or not was more important than her life. It is not. There is nothing more important than her value as a human. To say that she is less because she relied on me for her life, devalues her life and my pain when that life was lost. There should be no "choice."
Dear Jesse Page,
There are times when I feel like the world has forgotten you. Everything and everyone has moved on while it feels like a part of my heart will always be stuck in time, in that one brief moment when I held you. But life has moved on. And my prayer is that you look down on us from heaven, with your brother and sister and think "don't worry Mama, Jesus has me and we are waiting for you" I am going to live this life the best way I can, so that one day I will hold you in my arms, and while I am here, I will never forget. I am telling your story so that your little short life has some meaning, some purpose, even if all that purpose is, is just to heal my heart just a little bit more. You are not forgotten, not by me, your Daddy, or your sisters. We love you.
Mama
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