In August at our 18 week ultrasound we found out we were having a girl. I was so surprised! We had 6 nephews and I always imagined being a boy mom, I had no clue what to do with a girl! I am not into frills or pink and I was so afraid that I wouldn't know how to raise a girl. It seems silly now, I love being a girl mom and wouldn't trade it for the world. God knew what he was doing when he gave me my girls! At 19 weeks I felt a flutter in my stomach for the first time. I still wasn't showing very much but it was amazing to feel that little one inside me for the first time. As I grew, I was fascinated by the feeling of her moving around inside of me. I made coworkers feel her kick me and took videos of my belly rolling.
My due date was January 7, 2012 but our insurance changed and we found out that starting January 1st we would lose our doctor and the hospital we had planned on giving birth in. I was sad but my doctor agreed that we could induce on December 30 and that everything would be fine.
She was right!
I was so nervous going into the hospital the night of the 29th. I hadn't started dilating so I went in for dilation meds that night and then I would get Pitocin the next morning. We had a big family dinner with my in-laws before we went in and I knew I needed to eat well but my nerves made it difficult. I knew to expect pain, but would I be able to handle it? I wanted to try to have a natural birth but what if I couldn't? What if something went wrong and the baby was in danger? I knew she was safe inside me but what if something happened to her during birth? Or after? Was I going to be a good mom? I knew the basics about taking care of a baby but what if I screwed it up? What if I couldn't breastfeed and we had to pick a formula? What if I hurt her on accident when trying to change her, or bath her, or what if I held her wrong? What if I didn't bond with her? What if other judged me for the decisions Kort and I made for her? What if I do everything "right" and she still ends up messed up in some way? I feel safe sharing these questions because I know I am not the first mom to have them. And I might have missed some question that other moms feared when giving birth and raising a child. I think the best moms are the most scared. Because we care so much and we love our babies more than we love ourselves. I have learned that it's ok to have those fears and questions, as long as I give them over to God and listen for His answers. He calms me and reminds me that I can only control so much and then I have to trust in Him.
I didn't sleep much that first night in the hospital between the meds kicking in and the nervousness and the uncomfortable hospital bed. The next morning they started Pitocin and it wasn't long before the contractions started. She broke my water to help move things along as well. I don't remember too much of the details except that Kort and my mom were with me the whole time, with friends and family coming in a out throughout the day. Once the pain started getting too bad I asked for some IV drugs to take the edge off. I thought that they would take away just enough of the pain that I could avoid the epidural and be ok. I was WRONG!! The pain got worse and all the meds did was make me so drowsy I couldn't stay awake in between contractions. I remember yelling at friend who came in and saw me in pain and she tried to rub my back. I yelled "Don't touch me!" and I meant it! I felt bad afterwards but the truth is that everyone who touched me made the pain in that area 10x worse! I asked for an epidural and got one immediately. I don't know who that anesthesiologist was but he was a miracle worker. I told them that I didn't want to lose all feeling and he did that for me. The pain went away but I could still move my legs and feel the pressure from each contraction. I didn't get fully dilated until just before 7pm. I had Kort and my mom holding my legs, my mother-in-law there for support and to take pictures, my dad standing behind the curtains by the door, my doctor telling me when to push and the nurse helping me count and then another nurse sitting down with some paperwork. I assume she was just supposed to record time of birth, etc but I soon put her to work! Kort was trying to help hold my legs but he also helped lift my back everytime I went to push. This lasted for long enough that he was getting exhausted and I was getting more tired watching him go back and forth than I was pushing. I asked if another nurse could hold my legs so he could just help me and the nurse wasn't too happy to get up from her comfy seat. I don't care.
After almost 2 hours of pushing, at 8:47pm my perfect little girl came into this world and straight into my arms on my chest. I was crying and she was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen! I had requested that all her vitals be taken while we have skin to skin immediately and everyone was fine with that. The problem was that she only cried for a second and then snuggled right on to me as happy as could be! You wouldn't think of that as a problem, except that she had mucus in her lungs and airways that they needed to clear and the best way to do that is by her crying. So they laid her in the bed beside mine and I watched them as they measured and printed and did their job. I could hear the fluid clearing out of her as she cried so I was ok with it. Once they wrapped her up and gave her back I tried to breastfeed. Not much happened then, but I knew we had time to work on that. People started coming in to hold her and take pictures but it was late by this time and no one stayed too long. I was glad because I was ready to have my girl to myself. My father in law went to get me chicken from my favorite place and they gave my baby her first sponge bath in the room with us so we could watch. Once everyone left and we were settled into a regular room, Kort fell right to sleep. I know he had a hard day watching me in pain and the best day because Daddy's Little Girl was finally here. Part of me wanted to punch him for being able to fall asleep so quickly. I had so much adrenaline and all I wanted to do was hold my miracle and watch her sleep. But I was tired and hurting, child-birth will do that to you!
I could go on and on about our day in the hospital, our trip home, our first weeks as parents, her first birthday, her milestones and her amazing personality. She is my miracle because I don't know how I went from infertility to a natural conception and such a perfectly routine delivery. I don't know why God chose me for this job but it is one I take very seriously. I hope one day, she reads this story and is glad I wrote it down for her. I want her to see the beauty in child-birth and to know that every delivery is different. It is important to me to share all of my birth stories with people who want to know and I couldn't do the others without sharing my first.
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