This month the Clomid was alot easier to handle which was good! I still had some headaches and overall felt kinda blah but no migraines or stomach issues. Part of me was kind of worried that it didn't work this month but....
The nurse called this morning and my estrogen was definately high enough so I ovulated!! YAY!!! Now I am using Progesterone cream every night until I get that tested to see if it will be high enough for me to be pregnant.
Things have been good for me emotionally except for those moments every now and then that sneak up on me and I think "Why doesnt God want me to be a mom?" or "I wonder if Kort regrets marrying someone that can't give him a kid." I know that isn't fair to God or Kort but I can't help but blame myself, even if I do know that it is nothing I did to cause the infertility.
I hope I don't sound like I am whining because I am not. I am reminded everyday that I am so lucky. I have the best husband in the world, friends that support me and love me and a job and a home and a life that is better than anything I could have ever imagined!
It's hard sometimes because I feel guilty for letting my infertility bother me so much, then other times I feel like I am the only one in the world who knows what this is like. I know that isn't true and that I shouldn't feel guilty because not being able to make a baby when I want one so bad is supposed to be upsetting.
Every month I tell myself, it is ok, this will be the month I get pregnant...but when I am not I have to convince myself that I hadn't really gotten my hopes up. It is an up and down roller coaster that is starting to make me dizzy. Of course the general answer to this from people who don't understand is just "stop trying for a while and you will get pregnant." Now that I know that the problem is that my estrogen and progesterone aren't high enough when they are supposed to be, how does it make any sense to stop taking the medicine that makes my body ovulate??
So I just have to stay on this roller coaster and concentrate on the fact that it will be over eventually and I will have a beautiful baby that is worth all this trouble and so much more....
Its a good thing I like roller coasters huh?
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You are a strong person too remember that!!! Kort loves you...you can see it when he looks at you...baby or no baby I know his love will not change for you. God does a lot of things that I don't really agree with sometimes but none of us have a say in what he does when he does it. Just know that no matter what I, Josh, Kaleb, and Logan and a BUNCH of others love you very much!!!
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